As a child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist and mother, I am sharing this for all Desi parents who are estranged from their kids. My heart goes out to you and your kids, and I hope you find a way to resolve the impasse.

There is hope for resolution if you are willing to reduce your ego, open your mind, and commit to meaningful change. I encourage you to see a therapist; support is readily available. If you don’t know how to find a therapist, you can check out this Desi Mental Health guide. It is not too late while you both are still alive. I have hope that you can do it.

To understand why these rifts occur, I highly recommend watching this wonderful video, in which young Desi women explain why they are estranged from their families. There is much to learn here, and I’ve highlighted some common themes below.

Reflect on this video and see if it enriches your understanding of your children. As one young woman shares, “We spend a lot of time thinking, journaling, reflecting on our past relationships and choosing to show up in better ways. …. It didn't happen overnight for us either. But we put in the emotional labor and the work to do that.”

The video opens with a young woman saying, “Brown families are so funny because they'll call you up and be like, ‘Hey, how come you haven't come over in a while? You should come visit.’ And then you go visit. And not even five minutes later, they're like, ‘Hey, you're fat. You're ugly. You're a disappointment to the family. What's wrong with you? Come visit. Why don't you come visit?’”

Another woman from the video says, “Just because your parents brought you into this world, it doesn't give them the right to physically abuse you, to emotionally abuse you, to financially abuse you.”

If you are abusing your kids, stop immediately and seek help. Get a therapist and learn how to cope with your emotions in a way that doesn’t hurt others.

The American Psychological Association defines physical abuse as “deliberately aggressive or violent behavior by one person toward another that results in bodily injury.” Child sexual abuse is defined as “sexual activity with a child by an adult, adolescent or older child.” 

Psychology Today describes emotional abuse as centering “around control, manipulation, isolation, and demeaning or threatening behavior.” Some examples include monitoring and controlling a person’s behavior; isolating a person from friends; demeaning or shaming a person; extreme jealousy and paranoia; making acceptance or care conditional on a person’s choices; refusing to allow a person to spend time alone; thwarting a person’s professional or personal goals; instilling self-doubt and worthlessness; and gaslighting—making a person question their competence and even their basic perceptual experiences.

If you are criticizing your kids, ask yourself: Is this worth endangering the relationship? Decide whether you want to support their strengths or tear them down. The world is harsh enough. Let home be a place of safety and nurturance. Model the behavior you want to see, rather than nagging your kids into it. 

As a young woman shared, “Create a comfortable environment for me to come to you and talk to you about my problems or my struggles or my difficulties.”

If you must provide feedback, infuse it with respect. In the book “10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People,” author David Yeager notes that when you advise young people, all they hear is, “Do you respect me?”

Here are some examples from the author for alternative ways to convey your feedback:

Gender roles can fuel resentment. As the video mentions, traditional scenes, like those at family parties, reinforce the idea that women cook and clean while men sit back and relax.

Is it any wonder that many Desi women choose to marry outside the culture if they want more equitable sharing of domestic tasks? Mothers and fathers, are you training your children to be equitable partners?

The video continues: “When a boy is born, it's celebration. When a girl is born, it's planning. The son carries the name, and the daughter carries the honor.” This difference shapes a girl’s life as a “transfer” from her father’s responsibility to her husband’s, rarely allowing her to be her own person.

Leisure time and dating are often policed more strictly for daughters than sons. “Why is freedom automatic for him, but conditional for me? At some point, it stops being about protection and starts being about control,” one woman said. This control often extends to choosing a partner based on race, religion, or caste, prioritizing social image over a daughter’s judgment and autonomy.

Additionally, many of the Desi patients I work with equate their self-worth with their professional achievements. This “performance-based love” plants the seed that they are only worthy when they are producing.

I share with my patients that I believe we all have inherent worth from the time we are born, and ask them if they feel the same. Do they feel that when a baby is born, the baby has to do anything to deserve their life, or does the baby have inherent worth? If so, at what age does the baby lose their inherent worth and have to start earning their right to live? Sometimes, discussing this helps my patients recognize that just by being alive, we are worthy of living.

Parentification—where a child provides emotional support to the parent—often disrupts natural development. One woman in the video said she had to assume household responsibilities at a young age, which affected her ability to feel her own emotions and vulnerabilities.

When vulnerability is viewed as a weakness, children grow up emotionally self-sufficient but unable to receive comfort. Role reversal through parentification disrupts the natural process of maturing, causing long-term negative effects on a child’s physical and mental health.

“When love is rarely expressed, you grow up not knowing how to receive it or give it. You deal with everything on your own, and no one needs to hear a thing. Mental health in a brown household is non-existent,” said a woman from the video.

I encourage you to do all you can to show your kids how very loved they are. Explore the five love languages as defined by Dr. Gary Chapman: touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts.

Dr. Russell Jeung identifies specific Asian American love languages, such as food vs. words and sacrifice vs. convenience, which you can learn more about on Asian Parenting.

Please express your love as openly as you can and understand your child’s preferred love language to bridge mismatches in communication. For example, your love language might be acts of service, whereas your child’s language might be touch and words of affirmation.

In many Desi households, the concept of boundaries is limited. I didn’t know about boundaries until I became a psychiatrist/therapist, and I am learning even more about boundaries as a parent to a young adult and a teen. When my children tell me that they don’t want to talk about something, I back off and say, “I understand and respect your boundaries,” and I see the relief and gladness on their faces. I trust they will tell me when the time is right. 

When I was their age, if I didn’t want my parents to know something, I just didn’t say anything to them. I only let them know about my boyfriend when I was ready to marry him, because I did not want to deal with their anxiety and anger while I was trying to evaluate whether he was really someone whom I would want as my life partner.

I am grateful that my parents and I were able to overcome the difficulties that ensued when I told them who I was marrying. We have challenges sometimes, but we make it through with communication, love, and mutual respect. I am wishing the same for you and your children. 

It is hard to raise children. You are not alone, and support is readily available. 

Seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness. I tell my patients that Olympic athletes, the best athletes in the world, need coaches. We live in a time when therapy and medication are readily available. Why not get the help you need?

Therapy provides a confidential space to unburden secrets or trauma. It is often said that “hurt people hurt people,” but the opposite is also true: “Healed people heal people.” By seeking support, parents can move toward becoming the healers their families need.

Dr. Kani Ilangovan is a child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist, mother, writer and activist. She is a board member of The E Pluribus Unum Project and works for pluralistic curriculum advocacy.

April 1 – Depression in South Asians
6 PM - 7 PM
East Brunswick Public Library
2 Jean Walling Civic Center Drive
East Brunswick, NJ 08816
This workshop is a collaboration between Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, SAMHIN (South Asian Mental Health Initiative & Network), and East Brunswick Public Library. It will discuss why early recognition of depression is important and explain how primary care providers and individuals can use the PHQ-9 as a screening tool. We’ll also discuss how screening tools can help connect individuals and families to appropriate resources and address common myths and stigma surrounding mental health.

April 3 – Chai & Change: Q&A with Mussab Ali
Starts at 6 PM
PYO Chai
28-23 Steinway St
Long Island City, NY 11103
Join us for a community event that brings together neighbors, young professionals, small-business leaders, and supporters from across the NY/NJ area. Over chai, you’ll hear directly from Mussab Ali about why this race matters in 2026 and how grassroots organizing can defeat machine politics. Tickets can be purchased here.

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