Queer Desis fight for space in the culture

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A national organization seeking to build community for South Asian LGBTQ+ people and their family members has its roots right here in New Jersey. Aruna Rao, the mother of a queer child, started Desi Rainbow in 2017, bringing five families around her kitchen table, after seeing the lack of intersectional resources for her community.

“I thought I can’t be the only Indian mother with a queer child,” Rao said. “Queer people should not just be accepted but celebrated. If no one talks about it, then how is anything going to change?”

Desi Rainbow has blossomed into a fully staffed organization that serves Desis around the country through virtual gatherings. It has helped many in the largely conservative South Asian diaspora find a sense of community. 

That includes people like Deepa. On an everyday walk during the pandemic, Deepa’s child mustered up the courage to come out as non-binary. The event led to a long train of questions: Is this a phase? What is non-binary? Are they just gay? And nowhere to go for answers.

Deepa realized there was no space she could go as a Desi parent to learn more about queer identities. Moreover, it was hard to know how to navigate queerness in a Desi community.

There are many queer-specific organizations that have come up over the past decades for different ethnic communities, ages, genders and more, but there has been less progress within Desi communities until recently. 

Desi Rainbow adds a much needed special place for Desi people who do not feel understood or represented by the non-ethnic queer organizations that exist. Support groups that are identity-specific can often add an extra layer of comfort for those who are just beginning their journey to understanding.

‘What will people say’

As acceptance of the queer community grows among Desis, more and more resources are becoming available for those who want to learn and understand their child in the context of their traditions and religion. This is important, because coming out as queer has its particular challenges in Desi communities.

The South Asian community is a largely religious and conservative population, with over 99% of India’s population identifying with a religion according to a 2021 Pew Research Center study. A great deal of that tradition derives from the idea of having a nuclear family with a cis-gender mother, father, and children and greater emphasis on a patriarchal mindset.

This adds to the shame and guilt associated with differing from the usually rigid family structure that is entrenched into Desi culture. 

“The thing that was the hardest for me was to tell other family members and people in my community,” said Sanober Lokhandwala, a Desi parent to a lesbian daughter.

Because of the tight-knit nature of Desi communities, it can be especially hard to come out as queer without feeling judged.

“When I found my daughter with another woman, my first thought was ‘log kya kahenge’ (what will people say),” Lokhandwala said. 

Many Desis seek to present the best image of themselves and their family to the community. That often translates into living life in secrecy to keep up a certain façade of what you want your family to look like: a perfect family with your educated children successfully marrying someone within the community.

“My friends and I used to say, ‘What will happen if our kids fall in love with someone outside of our culture?’ And I would say jokingly, ‘Well as long as they marry a man, it’s fine,’” said Ruchi Kotia, the mother of two transgender children. However, after Kotia’s children came out to her, she did extensive research to better understand queer identities. “I have learned that I need to love my kids unconditionally and those conditions are not my conditions. Indian parents usually have a tough-love mindset that makes this hard.” 

The traditional family structure idealized by many Desis leaves little room for queer identities, so many Desi parents of queer children are entering uncharted territory. 

Creating a more accessible space

A recent Desi Rainbow gathering brought together an array of people. Some, with full names and pronouns in their Zoom titles, proudly smiled with their cameras on while others remained muted, faceless and nameless. Some shared their stories as they held back tears, while the rest listened silently. For many of them, it was their first time being in a Desi-specific queer space.

“I did not realize how healing it would be for me to hear from so many Desi gay people who are out. It’s really inspiring,” a participant added at the end of the session.

In addition to monthly support groups for queer Desis, parents and family members, Desi Rainbow runs a Saathi Program that offers more individualized guidance and training sessions on topics such as medical transitioning and queer vocabulary. 

South Asians are now the largest Asian population in the US. With the growth of the community, there is also a growing need for Desi queer spaces.

While there are other Desi queer organizations, most of them are more locally based in different cities: SALGA operates in New York City and Philadelphia, Khush in Washington D.C., Satrang in California, and there are many more elsewhere.

Desi Rainbow caters to Desi people all over the United States and Canada, and its accessibility and unique programs make it an important addition to Desi queer spaces in the United States. The organization provides safe, secure spaces for people to express themselves and receive emotional support from people in the same community.

“Queerness can be in anybody, no matter how religious you are, which is something Desi communities tend to have more of a struggle with understanding,” said Rizwan Jagani, a participant in Desi Rainbow’s monthly sessions. “Knowing you are not alone in your own personal struggle helped me understand my own identity more.”

Jagani specifically sought out Desi Rainbow’s Saathi program to pair his parents with another Muslim parent in the hopes of them learning more about his identity and growing to accept it. 

“It made such a difference having other Muslim parents speak with mine. They were able to connect with them in a way I just never could,” added Jagani.

‘A much needed special space’

With their nuanced understanding of Desi queer identities, Desi Rainbow provides help for people in all stages of coming out. The intersectional nature of Desi queer spaces can help people in the community stay in touch with their cultural identity while also exploring their queer identities.

As one Desi lesbian living in Edison, put it, “When you don’t fit into your parents’ dreams for something as small as your identity, it’s hard to feel supported in who you are.”

Selena Patel is a reporting fellow for Central Desi.

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