Dr. Kani's Take: Self-care during turmoil

I have many patients who are deeply sad and angry right now because of our current political and economic situation.

I have patients who have been studying in college and graduate school for years and are now uncertain whether they will be able to find a job because grant money has been taken away and their senior colleagues are being fired or laid off. Faculty members have lost funding they had been promised from their universities. There are hiring freezes and people’s job offers are being rescinded. 

I have patients who are science, technology, engineering and math (STEM) graduate students who are planning to move to Europe because of the funding situation in America. This situation is not coming out of nowhere. There have long been signs that our country values commerce over knowledge production and the humanities. STEM had seemed relatively safe because of the economic benefits it generates, but now, no longer.

Is this the country we want? Does the value of our lives hinge on our bank balances and stock holdings? Even those are falling precipitously.

An addicted nation

I compare our current situation to having a parent with an addiction. Instead of alcohol, our loved one’s addiction is to power and attention. With addiction, you cannot force the person to get better. It is up to the person to be ready to change, and they may never be ready to change. 

My favorite therapist joke is, how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? The answer: One, but the light bulb has to want to change. My favorite saying is, “You can’t shake a rose into bloom.” When you have an adult loved one with addiction, you need to wait for them to choose to get better, and in the meantime, you live the best life you can, given the circumstances.

Another apt analogy is having a parent who is an abuser. In that case, we exit the abusive situation as safely as possible. It might be necessary to plan and fight for our safety.

We are dealing with people who cannot see our full humanity. They see us as foreigners who are of less value than a white person.

An important part of our resistance is to know who we are and embrace our full humanity. 

We need to take strength in who and what we love. We are not alone. 

These times, more than ever, require active investment in our self-care so that we do not become numb and disconnected. 

‘Take in beauty’

“We are wired to pay attention to threats,” says therapist Dr. Arielle Schwartz. “We can broaden our lens to take in beauty.”

In the midst of advocacy, my psychiatric practice, and motherhood, I have been going to concerts, nature walks, reading and writing. Concerts are time capsules, messages from another time. I imagine what humanity endured when music was created and what it has endured during the intervening time. We will endure through this.

Black history reveals how courageous people resisted oppression. I am inspired to learn about Harriet Jacobs' artful and resilient ways of finding freedom during the time of slavery and Dr. Ruha Benjamin's Racial Literacy series. 

Being in nature awakens a sense of wonder and connection, whether going on a group walk with a naturalist in a nearby forest or to an aquarium. I touched a starfish’s tube feet that caress so gently, like flower stamens. I saw seahorses have tails that they wrap around coral to stay suspended in one place and fins that oscillate very quickly for locomotion. Jellyfish are 500 million years old and are pretty much unchanged since then. They are older than trees and dinosaurs. I learned that immortal jellyfish are like phoenixes, so there are potentially immortal jellyfish that are 500 million years old still living today.

Spirituality connects me to a larger reality beyond my daily concerns. I love my weekly group meditation practice, and it is healing to feel the chanting wash over me and to be in a bhakti, or a feeling state of surrender.

I have been meeting with friends and appreciating my time with my family.

I have been making an effort to do activities I love and that enlarge my sense of the world. I have been protecting the light of my candle in a windstorm.

Become an advocate

I love working with like-minded others whom I value and trust on a cause that is important to me. Advocacy reminds me that I am not alone. 

Sindhu Xirasagar and I are starting Desi Antiracism Group. As Desis, we have some privileges and also face discrimination based on our (perceived) positionality in the racial hierarchy in the US. Our purpose is to create a safe and brave space where we can share knowledge, our experiences and equip ourselves with tools for antiracism activism. If you are interested, please sign up here. 

It may feel overwhelming to see all the different issues with which you could potentially get involved. As researcher and activist Dr. Priya Shah says, “You don’t have to do everything! Find your purpose and place in the movement.” What are your strengths and interests?

Are you interested in advocacy, but don't know where to start? Please fill out this form and you will receive tailored recommendations.

The Social Change Ecosystem Map (developed by writer and advocate Deepa Iyer) provides a framework for different roles within a social movement. 

Where do you see yourself? Read more about the roles.

With advocacy, it is important to pace yourself. I love civil rights attorney, faith leader and activist Valarie Kaur’s metaphor of activism as a process of giving birth — we breathe and then push, breathe and then push. 

“On the birthing table, if we don’t breathe, we will die, and if we don’t push, we will die. In this alternating cycle, we find strength, courage, and care for one another in community," Kaur has said eloquently.

I love activist Porter Kelly’s metaphor of activism as a choir: “The magic of a choir is that they sustain all the notes and individuals have to stop and take breaths.… If you need to take a breath, I got you. And I know when I need to take a breath, you got me. But we cannot stay silent, we have to keep fighting. Be part of the choir. Sustain the note. We will get through this.”

Resources for a chaotic time

Therapist Ria Megnin has suggestions on how to deal with the fight, flight, and freeze trauma reactions you may be experiencing.

"We Shall Not be Overwhelmed" offers some strategies to deal with this chaotic time.

Open in Emergency: A Special Issue on Asian American Mental Health is an arts and humanities intervention to decolonize mental health led by Mimi Khúc. 

I am wishing you the best in dealing with these times. Here is my updated Desi Mental Health Resource Guide. I will keep adding new resources there periodically. We will endure together. 

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way,” Arundhati Roy says in her book War Talk. “On a quiet day, if I listen very carefully, I can hear her breathing.”

Dr. Kani Ilangovan is a child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist, mother, writer and activist. She is a board member of The E Pluribus Unum Project and works for pluralistic curriculum advocacy.

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