Dr. Kani's Take: Let's support our Desi LGBTQ youth

Sometimes I encounter heartbreaking situations in my psychiatric practice. Some of my patients are trans individuals: Many of them have had unsupportive family members, and some of them have even become homeless after telling their families. 

Several school districts in New Jersey have made the decision to repeal transgender student guidance Policy 5756, which supports trans students. Two of these repeal attempts have been led by Asian American Board of Education (BOE) members. 

Our Desi community needs a lot of psychoeducation about LGBTQIA+ identities, explains Aruna Rao, a groundbreaking activist who founded SAMHAJ for Desi mental health and Desi Rainbow Parents and Allies for Desi LGBTQIA+ individuals, their families and allies. 

“I’ve always been drawn to looking for where there are no resources and to build something where it doesn’t exist. When it comes to deeply emotional things, immigrants need a resource that feels safe. It’s not about language access. It’s about the sense of safety and inclusion and people getting you without you having to explain yourself,” Rao says.

Rao’s work is vital and life-saving. Did you know that only 15% of Indian LGBTQ youth report access to affirming spaces in their homes, and only 10% of Indian LGBTQ youth report access to affirming spaces in their communities, according to the Trevor Project’s report on The Mental Health and Well-Being of Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) LGBTQ Youth? “Affirming space” means a place where the youth feels safe in being and expressing who they are.

If you are LGBTQIA+ or have a loved one who is LGBTQIA+, I highly recommend reaching out to Desi Rainbow Parents and Allies, which offers group and 1:1 support as well as community events.

This support is incredibly important. In the past year, 39% of Indian LGBTQ youth seriously considered suicide, and 20% of trans Indian LGBTQ youth attempted suicide. In the same period, 50% of Indian LGBTQ youth harmed themselves. These behaviors are highly correlated to lack of acceptance from their family, friends and community. AAPI LGBTQ youth who attended LGBTQ-affirming schools reported nearly half the rate of suicide attempts in the past year (12%) compared to AAPI LGBTQ youth who did not attend LGBTQ-affirming schools (20%). 

If the school is outing these students, they are increasing the likelihood of self-harm and suicidality for these students. Why would BOE members risk the lives of their students in this way? Our kids are kids only once. We need to protect them as best we can.

The importance of building trust

As a mother and psychiatrist, I see that building trust with your child is the foundation for a loving relationship throughout our lives. Have you heard the beautiful story “Princess September” by W. Somerset Maugham? The central theme is true love rests on respecting another’s autonomy and freedom. 

One of my first-generation Desi patients told me, “When I was a child in India, I had to listen to my parents. Now that I am a parent in America, I have to listen to my child. When is anyone going to listen to me?” I empathize with first-generation immigrant parents who feel they got the bad end of the deal in both cultures.

Although you may be tempted to mimic your parents’ authoritarian parenting style, it is important to take into account the cultural context in which you are raising your child. Your child likely has different cultural expectations of you than you had of your parents. Your child likely has different cultural expectations of themselves than you had/have of yourself.

As much as I would like to know what my children feel uncomfortable sharing with me, I know I need to wait until they are willing to share. Trying to pry their secrets out of them without their consent would break their trust and create a dynamic of coercion and control, which would make them want to avoid me when they are adults. 

I have to be patient and practice the type of communication that will serve the long-term future of the relationship best. I know many Desi adults who are estranged from their parents because they felt controlled by them in their youth and now want to maintain their independence and autonomy.

If parents are informed of their child’s gender identity by the school without their child’s consent, that will likely damage the parent-child relationship. Allowing the child time to come to terms with their identity for themselves and to choose when and how they will inform their parents and others is important for their mental health and for preserving their relationship with their loved ones. 

To take that choice away from trans students in a community where they will most likely face stigma, discrimination and possibly abuse is dangerous. These students know the people in their lives and know their views and whether it is safe to tell them. The school should not be taking that autonomy and decision making power from these students. 

If the students know it is going to hurt their family life or that they are going to get abused because of their identities, schools should listen to the students and protect their confidentiality.

“I want people to know we have the same aspirations, the same love, the same things we want for ourselves and our children, which is just happiness and fulfilled lives. To constantly be treating our children as though they have done something wrong or as if they are wrong is a horrendous crime. It’s treating them as if they are not worth the same as everyone else and it is the ultimate in othering.” Rao notes.

Resources and support to share

Rao, Laura Zhang-Choi of API Rainbow of PFLAG-NYC/NJ and I are running parent-education workshops on gender identity and supporting LGBTQ kids at Asian American cultural organizations both locally and nationally. If you would like to invite us to speak to your organization please fill out this form. 

NJ transgender health advocacy is an opportunity to take action to support LGBTQIA+ individuals.

I also invite anyone who is not in support of Policy 5756 to participate in Family Acceptance Project training. It is free and virtual. Participants will learn the lifesaving importance of acceptance for LGBTQ youth and will reconsider risking their lives so heedlessly.

“There is nothing new about gender diversity. Every single culture has some gender diverse community that has been around forever. The way the U.S. is presenting gender ideology as some contagion is wrong. There has always been gender diversity. I hope we can comb our histories, culture and mythologies and say, ‘Look, there is evidence,’” Rao says.

Is your child LGBTQIA+? Are you LGBTQIA+? Do you need support? You might be the first in your family to be openly queer or have an openly queer child. You may not know anyone else who is queer or has a queer child. Please check out the resources at Desi Rainbow Parents and Allies.

I am a mother of a nonbinary child and have benefited personally from attending Desi Rainbow meetings. You are not alone. Desi Rainbow helped deepen my love, surrender and perspective, and I am forever grateful.

Please join us to discuss these issues further at tonight’s meeting of the Desi Antiracism Group (Tuesday, June 3, at 7 p.m.). We will be using these videos to frame our discussion: Opening Doors: Barriers to coming out in the South Asian culture and The realities of being 'Gay' in a South-Asian Community.

Dr. Kani Ilangovan is a child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist, mother, writer and activist. She is a board member of The E Pluribus Unum Project and works for pluralistic curriculum advocacy.

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